Finding Meaning in the Days
After ending a career it is common to feel adrift. The structure of days when working for an employer is generally pretty regimented. You are expected to show up at a certain time, work for a certain amount of hours, accomplish certain well-defined tasks and for this you collect a regular paycheck. When the work stops, be it from a retirement, resignation, maternity/paternity leave or a layoff this structure evaporates. Suddenly you have much more control over what you do and when you do it. After the initial feeling of freedom wears off, people often begin to feel that the days lack purpose. Thoughts of accomplishing projects around the house, finally tackling the never-ending to-do list, cooking gourmet meals, and organizing “everything” begin to fade. After a while, the enthusiasm for all the new projects diminishes and it is possible to begin feeling a lack of direction when you realize that this time might not be exactly how you planned. When you are working for a paycheck, especially if you are good at what you do, you get affirmation from co-workers and clients when you successfully complete a project or accomplish a task. At a minimum, you collect your paycheck as a “reward” for doing well. Often there is a formal recognition program in addition to annual bonuses or other incentives.
Paid work gives a sense of accomplishment to many
When the structure of working is gone you are suddenly left with no one to give you the “gold star” for achieving your goals. If you’ve left the workforce to raise children a whole new dynamic is added. Personally, I worked at a career that I was very good at up until the day I gave birth to my first son. Then I had my baby and suddenly the very organized, structured life I had been living was now being controlled by a 7 pound 8 ounce screaming dictator. He wanted what he wanted when he wanted it. It did not matter to him if I had plans, a schedule I hoped to follow, or tasks I wanted to complete. He did not care that I had a list of five chores that I needed to accomplish before the day was through. He would scream until his immediate needs were met. For someone like me who likes to have all aspects of my life under control, this was a very difficult transition. I had to let go of my rigid structure and become more of a go-with-the-flow type of person. This is still contrary to my basic personality but my days were much more peaceful when I lowered my expectations of what I could accomplish in those early months.
Be patient with yourself, transitions take time
Like any other transition, it takes time to adjust to the new normal. I was lucky to have the luxury to be able to stay home with my baby. I had to let go of the expectations of how this time would be. Once I accepted that babies are demanding and their needs had to come first for a while, I was much happier. I was more lenient with myself if I was not able to complete all the chores I had on my list. Sometimes I would feel like I had not accomplished anything on a given day. I needed to remind myself that I was raising a human and that is important work even if some days the beds were not made or the laundry was piling up. The thing is when you are home all day with a baby there is no pat on the back to tell you that you are doing a good job. It will most likely be at least 18 years until you know if what you’ve been working so hard at was a success. That requires patience and an “I’m doing the best I can” attitude. Once I embraced the messiness of motherhood, the irregular schedule, and the feeling that I had to do it all, I found it to be very freeing. This was not easy and it did not happen overnight. Those first few years went by in a blur. Getting involved with mothering groups helped provide the adult interaction that I was missing. Focusing on my babies and reminding myself that “this too shall pass” whenever I was going through a difficult phase helped immensely whether it was teething, sleeping through the night, potty training or separation anxiety. Most importantly, making an attempt to find something positive in each day really improved my outlook.
Finding a new normal
Now we are entering a new phase in our lives. Our babies have grown and they are off to college. No more Saturdays at the soccer field, no more carpool driving, no more play dates with other kids. It seems as if, once again, my “job” is finished and the life that I created will be different for a while. Our empty nest is going to be our new normal and again I need to be patient with myself and remember that there will inevitably be an adjustment period. When my first son left for college two years ago, I was surprised at how much I missed him. This month my second son starts college. It will be a big change for us. Learning from my earlier transition from a full-time career woman to stay-at-home mom, I need to remember to get involved with people who are in a similar life-stage as myself. I joined a local empty-nest group, maybe I need to start doing activities with them! And maybe now I can finally get to the organizing that I thought I was going to accomplish 20 years ago. In reminding myself to focus on the positive, I realized that planning travel for two is easier to book than travel for a family of four. As for my husband and I, we plan to focus on enjoying this time together, rediscovering “us” and living a joyful post-professional life.
Have you left a career you loved? How did you handle the adjustment?
